You
by xxIceCrystalxx
Summary: Leaving you. Loving you. Trusting you. Hating you. Missing you. Wanting you. Meeting you. So many little moments fill our lives. So many little moments go unnoticed. Drabble.
1. Leaving You

Bark and leaves scratch against my spine, yet, strangely, I feel no pain. "Help me!" I wail, my claws scrabbling uselessly on the stone of the elder's den. The motionless body of Longtail lies before me, twisted and lifeless.

I tried to save him.

He shouldn't be dead.

This shouldn't be happening!

"Help!" I cry again, trying hopelessly to drag myself out of the tree's grip.

"Briarlight!" The voice comes from far away.

"Help!" I moan, my voice cracking. "Please!"

"Briarlight! Briarlight, wake up!"

"What?" I mew groggily.

A paw is shaking my shoulder. I blink open my eyes.

It was only a dream.

I'm in the medicine den. The pungent scents of the herbs swirl around me. The emptiness of feeling in my hind legs that has become so familiar to me reappears. The heaviness in my chest that has appeared over the past few moons makes me cough.

Jayfeather pushes a small bundle of herbs towards me with his paw. "Eat these."

I lap up the herbs. "Thank you, Jayfeather," I mew sleepily, curling back up in my nest.

_This shouldn't be happening._

_StarClan, take me soon._

The bracken at the front of the den rustles. A warmly familiar scent overwhelms me. "Toadstep," I murmur as I recognize the scent.

The black-and-white tom pads over to me, rubbing his muzzle against mine. "Good morning, my lovely."

"Toadstep," I plead, gazing into the depths of his warm amber eyes. "Why do you bother every day? There isn't any future for us. There won't ever be."

Maybe, once upon a dream ago, there was. I looked forward to getting my warrior name with my brother and sister. I looked forward to curling up next to Toadstep in the warrior's den at night, hunting and fighting with him at his side. I looked forward to moving into the nursery and mothering his kits.

Now that won't ever happen.

Toadstep's eyes flood with shock. "I love you, Briarlight," he whispered. "I thought you knew."

"I do know," I tell him softly. "I love you, too. But there isn't anything in store for us. I'm dying, Toadstep. You must know that."

"We'll just have to make the most of every day we have together," he murmurs, caressing me.

"I can't let you get hurt," I mutter brokenly.

He rasps his tongue over my ear. "Being away from you would hurt me more."

Jayfeather shoulders him away. "Leave," he mews firmly. "Briarlight needs her rest if she's ever going to beat this."

_Don't go, _I want to beg him. But sleep drags heavily at my eyes, and I watch silently as Toadstep pads through the medicine den barrier.

* * *

When I wake up, it's sunhigh. I can hear a soft murmur of conversation outside the den. "Jayfeather?" I murmur.

"Yes?" The medicine cat appears at my side.

"May I go outside?"

"Of course."

I drag myself by my front legs into the main camp. Immediately I'm surrounded by a whirlwind of silver tabby fur. "How are you?" Millie frets, sniffing me all over. "Are you alright?"

"Yes," I purr to my mother. "I'm fine."

Millie sits back on her haunches. The tip of her silver-striped tail stirs the dust uneasily.

"Briarlight!"

The high cry makes me turn. Molekit and Cherrykit are racing for me, tumbling over each other in their haste. "Hey, you two!" I purr as the tabby and the tortoishell skid to a stop.

Molekit pounces. "Watch it!" Millie scolds, sweeping him away with a front paw.

"Leave them be!" I purr, rolling onto my belly as the kits clamber all over me. "I enjoy it."

Millie sighs heavily. "If you insist…" I have to admit I'm impressed by the way my mother has handled my injury. Most she-cats wouldn't be able to cope with seeing their kit like this.

"Where's Toadstep?" I ask Millie as my body is wracked by a cough. Dispite myself, I'm desperate to see him again.

"On patrol," Millie sighs. "With Graystripe and Bumbleflight."

The sky seems to darken a fraction. "What happened?" I ask, twisting my head around, trying to see what caused the sudden darkness. A cloud, perhaps?

"Briarlight!" My mother's panicked voice splits my ears. "Jayfeather, what's wrong with her?"

"What?" I ask her groggily. Suddenly I feel my fur swish against dirt. I fell?

Jayfeather's scent overwhelms me. "I don't know what's happening!" he mews, his panic an echo of my mother's.

"She's dying!" Millie wails.

A crowd gradually forms around me. "Is she going to die?" Dovepaw asked, her voice shaky.

Blossomfall crouched beside me, her fur bristling in horror.

_I'm fine, _I want to tell them, but I can't get my mouth to move.

Jayfeather pressed his nose into my fur. "I-I can't feel her heartbeat," he mewed shakily.

_What? _I think, amazed. I feel fine! Honestly, I do! In fact, I feel better than I have in moons…

Jayfeather takes a step back. "I can't do anymore," he choked out. "Sh-she's gone."

Millie lets out a wail and buries her muzzle in my fur. Blossomsplash lets out a long, low yowl of grief.

Feeling thoroughly confused, I stand. For the first time in moons, there's feeling in my hind legs, the heaviness in my chest has vanished. I stretch my back legs each in turn, rejoicing in the familiar sensation.

Then I look down, and get the shock of my life.

I'd left my body behind.

The limp brown bundle of fur lies huddled in the center of camp. She doesn't appear to be moving. Her eyes are closed, her fur glossy in the sunlight.

That limp bundle of fur is me.

The gorse barrier rustles. I turn automatically to it.

Toadstep pushes his way through the entrance to camp, a thrush gripped in his jaws. As soon as he spots the crowd, however, his eyes go wide and the fur along his spine prickles. "Briarlight!" he yowls, his voice ringing with grief, dropping the prey. "Briarlight!"

He races to me. The crowd parts to let him through. He crouches beside my sister. He presses his nose into my cool shoulder.

"Briarlight."

The voice makes me turn, and I almost cry out with joy when I recognize the cat standing before me.

Longtail.

The pale tabby tom is standing before me, gazing at me warmly, almost as if he can see me. His eyes glitter with starlight and the same glimmer is in his paws. "Come with me," he mews warmly.

I look back at my Clanmates. "I'm sorry, Longtail," I murmur. "But…I can't leave. I…I…I need them."

Longtail nudges me. "They'll be fine," he meows. "You'll watch over them, and one day they will join you."

I bow my head. "I know…but it's so hard."

"It was hard for me, too," Longtail admits. "I had to leave the thing most beloved to me in the world."

"I do, too."

Longtail grins. "Toadleap will always grieve for you, but he will find love again, just like Mousefur did."

My eyes fly to his. "Mousefur—!" I gasp. It's hard to imagine the crotchety old elder ever loving any cat besides herself. Longtail nods silently. I turn my gaze back to my Clanmates. "Mousefur has Purdy now," I murmur to myself. "And you're right, Longtail, Toadleap will fall in love again. But give me a minute."

I pad to the cat that I had once thought would be my mate. "Good-bye, my love,"I breathe in his ear, weaving myself around him for the last time and twining my tail with his. "I will watch over you from StarClan always. I love you."

I turn back to Longtail. "Okay. I'm ready."

He turns and leads me along a glittering path, stars spilling from his paws like pawprints. I can feel the promise of warmth and safety surround me, comforting me, almost like Millie did when I was a kit in the nursery. I turn and gaze back over my shoulder at my Clanmates, my friends and my kin, for the last time.

_I will watch over you from StarClan always. _

_I promise. _


	2. Loving You

My eyes blink open suddenly. Moonlight streams through the branches of the warrior's den. For a moment I'm unsure what woke me.

Then I realize that it's Lionblaze, who's shifting restlessly in his nest not far from mine. I raise my head sleepily and gaze at him. He sounds distressed. I get up and pad to him anxiously, concerned for some unknown reason. "Hey," I hiss, prodding him with a claw. "Are you alright?"

"Wh—what?" His amber eyes stretch open, bleary with sleep. "What?"

"Are you alright?" I repeat. "You were twitching in your sleep."

"Yeah." His eyes flash guilty and he heaves himself to his paws. "I'm fine."

"Do you want to go for a walk?" I ask him.

"Sure." He starts to head for the den entrance. His tail-tip brushes past Graystripe's muzzle.

"Careful!" I hiss playfully. "He might think it's a mouse and bit off the tip."

Lionblaze blinks, shocked, and then stifles a small purr of amusement. "Come on," he tells me. "Let's go."

I follow him out into the forest. The moon washes the familiar paths silver. "Forest or shore?" I ask him.

"Forest," he decides.

"Race you!" I challenge.

"You're on!" he declares, his eyes gleaming playfully.

"Wait!" I stop dead, staring up at nothing, pretending to see something in the trees. "What's that?"

"What?" Fooled, he glances into the tree.

"Gotcha!" I leap forward.

"Hey!" he calls. "You got a head start!"

We slow as we approach the shore. "Have you noticed that Ivypaw and Dovepaw have been avoiding each other lately?" I ask him suddenly. I've noticed that my apprentice hasn't been speaking with her sister as much.

He shrugs. "Littermates quarrel."

"Yeah…" I glance wistfully over the water. "I guess I quarreled with Molekit and Honeyfern when they were alive."

Is it my imagination, or were his eyes shining with sympathy. "You haven't fallen out with Poppyfrost in moons."

"She's so busy with Cherrykit and Molekit, though," I murmur. "They're a pawful, aren't they?" I force my voice to sound brighter and not echo the emptiness that's growing in my belly.

"Only when they're awake," Lionblaze purrs, brushing his pelt slightly against mine.

"Come on," I tell him suddenly, wanting to get off this depressing subject. "Let's swim."

Much to my surprise, he balks. "No thanks," he mutters. "I don't like getting my paws wet."

"But its fun!" I leap into the water, remembering how Jayfeather had taught me how to swim to strengthen my leg all those moons ago.

He purrs from the shore. "No thanks. I'm not like RiverClan."

"Don't you dare call me RiverClan!" I mew, splashing back to shore. "I'm ThunderClan through and through."

"I'm glad you are."

I freeze. Could he really mean it…at least the way I thought he did? They way I kinda hoped he did? I gaze at him. He blushes—_Is it wrong if I think that's sorta cute?_—and stares fixedly at his paws.

"Of course," I mew slowly, deciding not to get my hopes up. "It's the best Clan to be in."

"Right…" he mews, casting a glance at me, relief evident in his voice. "Come on, let's get you back to camp before you catch a chill." He presses his pelt close to mine—to share his warmth with me, I know, but I can't help but hope it means something more—and gently guides me along the shore.

By the time we got to camp, I think we were both aware we were falling hopelessly in love.

* * *

A few moons pass. I'm curled up in my nest, when suddenly I'm awoken by a golden-furred tail brushing against my flank. I blink.

Lionblaze is standing above me, his amber eyes warm. "Ready to go?" he whispers.

I stand. "You know it."

Our moonlit walks have become sort of a regular thing over the past few moons. We've raced through the forest side by side, explored the deepest parts of ThunderClan territory, our pelts brushing, and sometimes just sat close together on the shore and admired the starlight on the soft gray water.

"So, where are we going tonight?" I ask him as we pad through the thorn barrier.

He shrugs. "You can choose."

It's a clear night, mild, the stars sparkling high above me—above us. "I don't care."

So we set away, wandering aimlessly underneath the tinted trees of leaf-fall. It's weird, but lately I've been starting to think about Lionblaze as something more than just a friend. I've been thinking about him night and day, almost to the point where I can't train Ivypaw, I'm so distracted. I've been starting to think that I can't live without him by my side.

I think I've fallen in love with him.

We find ourselves by the shore yet again. We pad down almost to the edge of the water, letting the tide seep over our paws. I'm pressed close to Lionblaze. Neither of us wants to break this peaceful silence.

He speaks. "You look beautiful in the moonlight, you know that?"

"Thank you," I murmur to him. "You don't look so bad, yourself."

"Thank you."

We don't speak for a while. Finally he speaks again. "Cinderheart, I know this may be hard to believe, but…"

"What?" I ask him when he trails off.

"Lately I've been starting to think…"

"About what?" I ask, purring slightly.

"About you. About how beautiful the moonlight looks on your fur. About how gentle you are, but how ready you are to fight if your Clan is threatened…just about you in general."

"I've been starting to think about you, too, Lionblaze," I admit softly. "About how strong and brave you are. About how your eyes shine in the starlight. About how much you obviously care about your Clanmates…about how much you obviously care about me."

There's silence again. My heart is thudding so loudly I'm surprise he can't hear it.

"I love you."

We both breathe the words at the same moment.

The words I've been waiting to hear him speak for so long…

We both let out soft purrs, leaning into each other. "I couldn't live without you," he admits softly, giving me a quick lick over my ear and twining our tails.

"I want to be with you forever," I murmur to him, giving him a tender caress.

This moment is so perfect…

It's strange. For once, I'm absolutely sure of what I feel. I'm sure that this beautiful tom standing next to me is the one and only tom for me, the tom I'm meant to be with forever and ever, until we join StarClan.

Nothing will ever rival that…

I've never been more certain of anything.

* * *

An absolutely perfect moon passes in a whirlwind of fur brushing past fur and stolen glances. Word hasn't gotten around camp that Lionblaze and I are a couple yet. And to be quite honest, I'm perfectly happy that way. It's nice not to have every cat know, not to have every cat looking at us whenever we're together, not to have whispers about us fly around the warrior's den. As far as every cat besides us is concerned, Lionblaze and I are nothing more than friends.

But there is a downside, though. For the past few sunrises I've been feeling so sick to my stomach that I can't eat without throwing up. I've been so tired, too. I feel like I can't get enough sleep, though Lionblaze has informed me that every night I snore worse than a badger! Ivypaw has been begging me to take her out training, but whenever I do my mind is clouded by fatigue and my apprentice beats me every time, easy.

I'm just thankful Lionblaze hasn't noticed.

But today he did.

He came up to me when I was trying to eat today, during sunhigh, when every cat was in camp. His handsome amber eyes were wide with worry. "I want you to go see Jayfeather," he announced for the whole camp to hear. And, of course, every cat did.

"Lionblaze!" I hissed to him.

He nudged me. "I'm worried about you."

Whispers flew around us.

"Why's_ he_ bothering with _her_?"

"You don't think they're _together, _do you?"

"They _can't_ be together, could they?"

"_Lionblaze_ and _Cinderheart_?"

He sat, his tail stirring the loose earth. "I've noticed that you haven't been eating as much, and you've been sleeping the day away. I'm worried."

"Don't be," I muttered, uncomfortable under the gaze of every cat. "I'm fine."

"You're not!" he told me. "You don't think I know when my mate's sick?"

Of course, that set off even more whispers.

"_Mates_?"

"Since _when_?"

"How long do you think _that's _been going on?"

"They're _so _not right for each other."

"No, not at all."

"Fine," I tell him, my pelt hot. "I'll go." I rise, flicking him over the ear with my tail as I pass.

He brushes his tail across my flank. "I have to go on patrol," he tells me, his voice apologetic. "I love you."

My heart melts, all irritation vanishing in a flood of warmth. "I love you, too."

As I cross camp, I notice that more than one she-cat is glaring at me hatefully. They couldn't be _jealous_, could they? Jealous of _me_? The thought makes me feel strangely smug.

I push through the bracken that screens the medicine den from the rest of camp. "Jayfeather?" I call.

The gray medicine cat materializes from the shadows of the den, a bundle of herbs in his jaws. He drops them at Briarlight's feet. The pretty brown she-cat is slumbering peacefully. "Oh, hey, Cinderheart. What's wrong?"

"I haven't been feeling well for the past few sunrises," I admit.

"What do you mean?" he asks curiously, padding to me.

"I've been feeling really nauseous, and really tired, too."

"Hmmm…" he prods my belly with his nose.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Lie down for a minute," he commands.

"What?"

"Just do it."

Confused, I obey. Jayfeather places a paw gently on my lower belly. He stands there motionless for a minute, his head cocked to one side, ears pricked. "Alright," he says after a while. "You can get up now."

"Well?" I demand once I scramble to my paws. "What's wrong with me?"

He sits back. "Congratulations, Cinderheart."

"Why?" I ask him, beginning to get a little irritated.

"You're expecting kits."

"What?" I ask. The ground lurches under my paws, and I have to fight to keep my balance. "Kits?"

Briarlight woke. "Kits? You're expecting kits, Cinderheart? Congratulations!"

"I am? Really?"

Jayfeather nods. "Couldn't you tell?"

"No…" I murmur. "Kits!" I'm going to be a mother! A vision of a single golden tabby tom-kit pops into my head, a tiny Lionblaze inside me. I purr blissfully.

"If you don't mind me asking, whose are they?" Jayfeather asks curiously.

"What?" I'm still caught up in the image of my tiny, beautiful son.

"Who's the father?"

"Lionblaze," I murmur. He's going to be so excited!

Jayfeather's shocked into silence for a moment. "Well…I'm sure you'll both be very happy with your new family."

"Oh, we will be! Thank you, Jayfeather! I've got to go find him!" I hurry from the den.

Outside the sun is blinding. I drink it in for a moment, purring blissfully.

Then I feel a small movement in my belly.

I stand, shocked still. Was that really…the image of the golden-furred tom-kit pops into my head again. I purr.

I gaze around. Lionblaze is nowhere in sight. So I decide to head to the nursery, talk to my future denmates.

Poppyfrost in sitting in her nest, Daisy beside her, watching her kits tumble and play around her. Molekit leaps onto his sister's back with a playful hiss. Cherrykit ducks and twists, dislodging her brother from her back.

"Well done!" I praise the kits.

They immediately jump to their paws, little tails waving. "Cinderheart!" they cry in unison, scampering over to me.

"Cinderheart!" Poppyfrost says in surprise. "When did you get here?"

"Nice to see you too," I purr to my littermate. "I've got news!"

"Really?" Daisy asks, her whiskers twitching with interest.

"Yeah…" I trail off. "I'm expecting kits!"

Poppyfrost is silent for a moment. "That…that's brilliant, Cinderheart."

"Aren't you pleased?" I ask her, crestfallen. I had been expecting a bit bigger reaction than that.

"Well…of course!" Poppyfrost purrs warmly and nuzzles my flank affectionately. "Whose?"

"Lionblaze's," I reply, still a little bit unsure of what's going on.

"Your kits will be perfect," Daisy mews warmly. "Strong and healthy and beautiful."

"With Lionblaze as their father, how could they not?" I reply.

Molekit and Cherrykit bounce over to the cream-colored she-cat. "We're perfect, too, aren't we, Daisy?" Cherrykit demands.

Daisy purrs. "Of course, little ones. You're well on your way to being amazing warriors, ones your mother and father will be very proud of."

"We already are," Poppyfrost murmurs.

Far off, I hear a rustle of gorse that announces the arrival of a patrol. "Excuse me."

I push through the nursery wall. Lionblaze is padding at the front of the patrol, a huge robin gripped in his jaws. I bound over to meet him.

He drops the prey. "How are you? Did Jayfeather tell you what's wrong?"

"He did," I tell him, hope and pride gleaming in my chest for my unborn kits.

"Well?" he demands.

Suddenly I'm sure that I want to tell this to my love in private, away from the prying eyes of our Clanmates. "Come with me." I sweep through the camp entrance. Obviously confused, he follows.

We walk silently side-by-side. The bright sunlight dapples his fur, making it glow like the sun. It dazzles me. Well, everything about this wonderful tom—_my _handsome, strong mate—dazzles me.

My paws take me to the shore. This small stretch of sand has come to mean so much; where I confessed to my mate my true feelings, where he admitted him back, where I'm going to tell him what will possible be the most life-changing news he's ever heard, where we first fell in love. "Lionblaze," I tell him softly. "I have to tell you something very important."

"What?" he demands, nudging me. "Is something wrong? Are you alright?"

"I'm better than alright," I breathe.

"Cinderheart! Why can't you just tell me?"

I lean into him and twine my tail with his. "I'm expecting kits!"

"What?" his voice sounds strangely dazed. "As in…my kits?"

"Yes, Lionblaze. You're going to be a father."

I turn to look at him. He's gazing at me, his eyes filled with warmth and love. "I love you," he mews softly.

"And I you," I murmur in reply.

He purrs and wraps his tail around my neck. "Our kits will be the most beautiful the forest has ever seen!" he proclaims.

"Of course," I tell him. "And just as strong and brave as you."

"And you."

We're both purring madly. His amber eyes are blazing with hope. I'm sure mine are, too. Hope for us, hope for our unborn kits, hope for our future.

* * *

A moon passes in a blaze of happiness. My kits grow steadily in my belly, stretching it to a gigantic size. And yet, as my due date approaches, I can't help but feel apprehensive. "What if something goes wrong?" I press Daisy from my new nest in the nursery. "What if I can't care for them properly?"

"You'll be fine," Daisy comforts. "It's instinctual, honey. And Jayfeather has delivered a lot of kits before. You'll be fine."

I can only hope she's right.

Lionblaze pushes his way into the nursery, a mouse gripped in his jaws. "Here," he mews, dropping it at my paws. "How are you?"

"Great," I answer half-heartedly. "And you?"

He's been so wonderful to me ever since he learned I was going to have kits. He's been bringing me fresh-kill three times a day, checking with Jayfeather every few sunrises to make sure everything's going the way it's supposed to, even helped me make my nest in the nursery. I swear, he's more excited about these kits then I am.

But still, I'm famished. I gulp down the mouse. It's plump and still warm. A hunting patrol must have just brought it back. "Thank you, Lionblaze," I murmur as a wave of black sleep washes over me. "I love you."

Lionblaze gives me a tender lick over my ear. "I love you too. Sleep well, my lovely."

* * *

I'm awoken abruptly by a sharp stab of pain in my stomach. I have to bite my tongue to keep from wailing aloud as the pain strikes again, more intense this time. What's going on?

_The kits. _

With great difficulty, I heave myself out of my nest, limping over to Daisy. "Wake up," I moan, prodding the cream-colored she-cat sharply.

"What is it, Cinderheart?" she mumbles sleepily.

"I think my kits are coming!"

Daisy scrambles to her paws. "Are you sure?" she hisses under her breath, so not to wake Molekit and Cherrykit.

"Yes!" I suck in a sharp breath as the pain strikes again, even more crippling than before.

Daisy rests her tail on my shoulder. "You go lie down," she encouraged, guiding me gently to my nest. "I'll go get Jayfeather."

She's gone for what seems like ages, leaving me alone with the crippling pain. I can't stop myself from crying, silent tears stream down my face.

Then there's a comforting presence beside me. "Shh, Cinderheart," Daisy murmurs in my ear. "You're fine. Think of the beautiful kits you'll have!"

Jayfeather presses a paw to my stomach. "You're doing fine, Cinderheart," he soothes. "The first kit's almost here."

Already I'm exhausted.

"Now, when I tell you to, I want you to push, as hard as you can." He pauses for a couple heartbeats. "Push!"

I obey, my muscles rolling with the effort.

"There's the first," Daisy purrs, relieved. I'm too exhausted to look at my firstborn. I see Daisy take the small bundle in her teeth, guiding it gently away from me.

"How many more?" I ask wearily.

"At least four," Jayfeather replies.

For what seems like moons I strain, lost in a soft cloud of black, only the pain assuring me I'm still alive. Finally Jayfeather lets out a sigh. "There's the last," he murmurs.

With a lot of effort I raise my head. Poppyfrost and her kits have woken up. "How many are there?" Cherrykit demands.

"Can I see?" Molekit asks, craning his neck.

My sister is by my side, helping Daisy care for my newborns. They're each so absolutely perfect it takes my breath away. "Give them to me," I tell them softly.

They do. With small purrs my babies burrow into my belly and start to suckle. There're five of them. One is dark black with a small white splash on their flank, another is a handsome pale gray, one is a slender-looking tortoishell, slightly smaller than their brothers and sisters, one is bright orange, flame-colored, and the last is a bright golden tabby. I got my little Lionblaze, after all. "They're beautiful," I purr, completely absorbed in my tiny, perfect kits. Their scents blend and merge together, so like mine and Lionblaze's, making it impossible to discern which are she-kits and which are toms.

"You have two sons and three daughters," Jayfeather tells me. "The gray one and the ginger one are the toms."

_What? _My little Lionblaze is a she-kit? I feel a small twinge of disappointment that vanishes in a heartbeat. She's just as perfect as her father is. All of them are.

Jayfeather slips out of the den. Poppyfrost retreats back to her nest. "Go back to sleep now," she tells Cherrykit and Molekit. "Leave Cinderheart and her kits be. They won't be ready to play with you for a while."

"Aww, mama!" Molekit complains. "Cherrykit's no fun to play with!"

"I am!" Cherrykit protests. "You're no fun!"

"You always cheat!" Molekit accuses.

"Do not!"

Within moments the two kits are wrapped up in a play-fight. I can't help but purr. That will be my kits soon. Poppyfrost cuffs them each over the ear sharply. "Sleep," she commands. "Don't disturb Cinderheart." Reluctantly the two kits settle down.

There's a sudden thud of pawsteps outside the nursery and Lionblaze suddenly appears, looking anxious. As soon as his lays eyes on me and our kits, however, his beautiful amber eyes go soft and warm and loving. "They're gorgeous," he murmurs to me, coming over to me. "Five kits! You're so clever!" He licks me gently between my ears.

"I know," I reply softly. "There are three she-kits and two toms. Oh, Lionblaze, what will we call them?"

"Which ones are the toms?"

I point with my tail to the gray kit and the ginger kit. "The ginger one looks like you," I tell him. "Big and strong already."

"You know, he looks a lot like the hawks I saw when I went to the mountains," Lionblaze comments. "Why don't we call him Hawkkit? And the gray one could be Ashkit, after Ashfur."

"Hawkkit and Ashkit." I taste the name on my tongue. "Perfect."

"And…" he goes silent. "Could we maybe name the black she-kit Hollykit? After…well, you know."

"Of course," I tell him, grief for his sister and my former best friend crashes over me. "And I'd kinda like to call the tortoishell Lichenkit. The dapples on her pelt remind me of moss."

"Lichenkit it is," Lionblaze purrs. "And the last?"

"She looks just like you, except maybe a bit more slender." I pause. "Lightkit. It fits her."

"It does." Lionblaze's eyes glow with happiness. "They're going to be just as beautiful and graceful as you."

"And just as strong and brave as you," I tell you. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

I gaze down at my kits, still suckling at my belly. Hawkkit, Ashkit, Hollykit, Lichenkit, and Lightkit. I have so many hopes for them; a great life as warriors, maybe even as a medicine cat, or as deputy, or as leader, finding love, maybe even kits of their own someday.

But these are thoughts for another day. I rest my head on my paws. For now I'm content to have my wonderful mate and beautiful kits near me.

It'll be that way for a long time now.


	3. Remembering You

She's nothing special, really. Not particularly pretty, not very graceful, not really nice and sweet, in fact, she's probably the coldest she-cat in the forest.

Yet the first time I saw her, everything else just…vanished.

She was right there, the moonlight shining so beautifully on her sleek fur, her ice-blue eyes gleaming with happiness as she gazed up at the leaders that stood on the Great Rock. I had just received my warrior name and was so excited to hear my leader announce it to the Clans. But in that moment, as I stood there staring dumbly at the captivating she-cat, everything emotion I'd ever felt, everything I'd ever dreamed of or hoped for, everything that made me who I was, flew away from me, to be replaced by the image of the perfect she-cat, burning bright as flame in the light of the full moon.

I wanted to approach her, to strike up a conversation with her, but I couldn't force my frozen paws to move. But then I noticed another tom came up to her, one I knew well. He sat beside her and they started talking. A teasing light appeared in her eyes and she flicked him with her tail. Envy burned hot in my belly.

My brother! How could I be so jealous of my own brother? How could I be so jealous of the tom I'd suckled and slept beside, who'd I comforted as he lay in the medicine den, barely breathing, blood streaming from his muzzle? How could I want so badly to be him?

But still I was…

She was on my mind for moons and moons on end. The image of her sitting in the moonlight had burned itself into my mind so thoroughly that she was on my mind whatever I did, whether it was hunting or fighting or just sharing tongues with my brother at dusk. Whatever I did, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I had seen her by the border, Sunningrocks, a few stolen glances and moments, but it was never enough.

But then one day she came to my camp surrounded by her Clanmates and her new leader. The tom spoke, glaring at my leader all the while, but I only had eyes for the blue-gray she-cat as she spoke to the young white tom beside her. When my brother, now deputy, asked me if I would escort them from our territory, I jumped at the chance. I remember how I walked beside her, how she flat out refused to look at me. I remember how I brushed my tail across her flank, how I asked in a whisper for her to wait. She looked at me then, her eyes filled with confusion and something close to warmth. She pretended that she'd stepped on a thorn, assured her Clanmates to go on without her. "Well?" she asked me, her voice like ice. I remember how I begged her to meet me at Fourtrees in a few night's time, how much I hoped she'd agree. And when she did, I thought I would fly.

And that night, as I waited, shivering in the hollow, I remember how lonely I felt, how I thought she wouldn't show. Then, as she delicately picked her way across the frost-laden ground, I leapt to my paws with a warm purr. She had come after all! She ran to meet me, her eyes alight with love—love for _me!_—and we spent a perfect night together, just us.

I remember how, a little more than a moon later, how she waited for me by Sunningrocks. I splashed across the river, disparately hoping that she wanted to tell me that she'd meet me again. I remember how she had pressed her muzzle to mine, her eyes filled with uncertainty. Then she told me that she was expecting kits! I was stunned. I remember how I had begged her to join RiverClan or let me join her in ThunderClan, for our kits' sake. I remember her shaking her head, telling me softly that we both had ambitions, ones that we could only achieve in our own Clans. I told her vehemently that I didn't care, that I'd do whatever it took to give her and our kits a good life. She only shook her head sadly again, told me that she'd raise our kits as ThunderClan cats, that her Clanmates would assume a ThunderClan tom was the father. I remember how my heart felt like it was breaking as she padded away into the dark, silent cover of the trees.

I remember, how, not a moon later, she approached me at a Gathering, her tread slowed with grief. I remember how she shook her head silently when I tried to talk to her, how she motioned me to a corner. I remember how she told me, nearly sobbing, how she couldn't keep our kits; they would starve. I remember how I tried to comfort her, but to no avail.

I remember that snowy night. I remember racing across the ice, my fur fluffed up against the bitter cold. I remember how I saw her at Sunningrocks, curled up in a nest of snow, three tiny bundles by her belly. Two were squirming, squeaking in protest as their mother licked them. One was completely still. It was that one she refused to look at, that one that caused the bitter anguish in her eyes. I remember how I approached her, exchanged the few soft words that escaped my memory. I picked up the smaller gray bundle in my jaws, prodding the other with my paw, urging him to get up. I gazed at the cat who had once been my mate for the last time. She picked up the dead kit and turned away.

I remember the pure agony in her eyes.

That was all moons ago, almost beyond memory. My kits are now strong warriors, proud to serve their Clan, not at all knowing their heritage. They will never know their mother's agony, the short half-moon that they spent in a camp that was not theirs.

And what has become of the she-cat that abandoned her kits in the frost-laden darkness? She has prospered, became both feared and respected throughout all the Clans. But no one else knows her like I did; no cat remembers the cat before the wise leader. But I do, and to me she will always be my precious Bluefur.


	4. Jealous of You

My paws smell like chamomile.

The cloying, almost sticky scent floods my nostrils, making me want to sneeze. Why do I live like this every day? Frowning slightly, I rasp my tongue over my paw, and almost gag. Great, now I can taste it, too. The bitterness of it makes me want to vomit.

"Cinderpelt, aren't you done yet?" Cloudtail demands. He's pacing anxiously at the entrance of the den. "I'm worried about Brightheart. She seems to be getting worse."

"Don't worry, Cloudtail," I tell the white tom, pushing the herbs to him with my paw. "It's just a little fever. It'll be cleared up in no time."

"But what about Whitekit?"

"I don't think she'll catch it," I reply. "Here. Take these to Brightheart. Tell her to eat as much as she can, and make Whitekit have a little, too. Just to make sure she doesn't catch it."

"Oh, thank you, Cinderpelt." Without seeming to care about the horrid taste of the herbs, he picks up the bundle and hurries to the den. I have to stifle a stab of jealousy.

"Cinderpelt!" Firestar bounds into my den, his amazing green eyes shining with happiness.

"Yes, Firestar?" I breathe, my heart skipping a beat. You see, I've been in love with him for ages, ever since I was first apprenticed and Bluestar assigned him as my mentor. I looked forward to becoming a warrior and his mate, becoming a mother to his kits….but Tigerstar and that monster took that all away in an instant…

"Sandstorm is going to have my kits!"

The ground shakes under my paws. I have to dig my claws into the soft earth, fighting to keep my balance. "Sh-she is?" I choke out, trying hopelessly to remain standing. "Congratulations!"

"I know! She's going to move into the nursery later today."

I turn my back so that the fiery ginger tom can't see the tears welling my eyes. "I'll just go bring her some borage, then," I mew, trying to keep my voice as light as possible. "She'll need to have plenty of milk when her kits arrive."

"Oh, thank you, Cinderpelt! I have to go tell Graystripe!" He bounds away.

I impatiently brush the tears away with a front paw. Can't go see Sandstorm looking like that, can I?

I quickly gather the herbs that the ginger she-cat will need—for a moment, I'm tempted to add some yarrow, see how she likes getting sick for days, but if she is expecting, she will anyways-and pad from my den. There's Sandstorm, sitting outside the warrior's den with her apprentice, Sorrelpaw. "Firestar tells me you're expecting kits," I tell her, setting the herbs down at her paws. "These are for you."

"Thank you, Cinderpelt," she tells me, her green eyes shining as she laps up the herbs. "Ech. Bitter."

"They'll help your milk come," I assure her. "You wouldn't want your kits to starve, would you?"

"No, of course not. Thanks again, Cinderpelt."

I turn and pad away, fighting the tide of jealousy that's rising up within me.

She doesn't deserve him.

My paws still smell like chamomile.


End file.
